BDSM and Spirituality

June 11, 2012 Kink and BDSMRelationshipsslave drewslave thomas  6 comments

I told someone lately that for me, kink was at least as much about spirituality as it is about sexuality.

For me, one of the things that kink allows me to do is, in a way, test myself.  We tell ourselves that the way you judge character is by how someone behaves when no one is watching, by how they behave when they can do whatever they want.

For me, a Master and slave type of relationship allows me that opportunity.

I have slaves.  Neither of them have safewords, never have.  Neither one has ever refused to do something I asked, either.

Both of them trust me implicitly.  I could ask them to do anything, I imagine, and they would at least consider it, because they do trust me.  I am not foolish enough to tell you they’d jump off a cliff if I told them to, because one of the things I expect of them is to take care of my property, themselves included.

I also expect them to use their own brains, too, I like smart men and part of what appealed to me about both of them was, in fact, their intelligence.  If I asked something of them that was so out of character and so unlike me, I would be fine with them at least pausing to ask if I was all right before they took that flying leap.

But for now, though, let’s forget those sort of dramatic questions.  The question is, I think, how I treat the people around me on a daily basis, how I care for them.  That’s the test of one’s mettle, isn’t it?

I read a blog lately, by one of my favorite people, aisha.  She talked about spirituality, and you can read her work here.

One of the things she talked about was BDSM and abuse, the idea that sometimes people come to this dynamic because they are broken in some way, and I honestly don’t disagree.

I believe, for instance, that I am “broken,” in some very specific ways.

My mother was not a pleasant person.  She died in her late 80’s, and after my father died when she was 46, she never had another person in her life whose opinion she valued enough to trust it over her own.  She never married again, she never had a gentleman friend, she never dated.

Don’t assume that I am mistaken about this, either, I do know this for a fact.  She had no significant relationships with anyone after my father’s death.  She had some friends, yes, quite a few because she was always nicer to them than she was to me, but friends who could be dropped if needed.

If you implied that my mother was imperfect, in nearly any way, or had made any mistake, her response was simple.  You ceased to exist in her mind, until you’d come to your senses anyway, and seen the error of your ways.

It didn’t have to be overt, either.  I remember once, as a teenager, commenting that someone always dressed well.  Bear in mind, I lived in a tiny town in the middle of a great big desert.  No one was wearing Halston or Bob Mackie.  Her angry response was, “If I had the money she had, *I’d* dress that well, too!”

I hadn’t been comparing, I had been commenting, but she heard an implied criticism.

I felt very out of control as a child.  I remember being seriously worried about money, in an adult, what-are-we-going-to-DO kind of way, at five.  I never asked for things most kids had – a bike, specific toys, a class ring – because I knew I wouldn’t get it.  Why set yourself up for disappointment?

The way I dealt with that, I think, was by deciding that if I were always in control, I could make it all come out right.

In my mother, I saw an example of power without counsel, of what happens when no one else’s opinion matters to you.

One of the things I do expect of my slaves, for instance, is to have both the courage and the willingness to tell me if I stray too far into that country.

I have no desire to become my mother.  If I need to be told I am wrong, fundamentally mistaken, I would prefer those words come from someone I know loves me, and holds my best interests at heart, just as I hold theirs.

I hope, if that happens, that I listen better than my mother ever would have, or ever did.

On the other hand, as a Master, I have to have a certain confidence in my opinions, a belief in myself and what I do.  If I seem unsure or doubtful of my own decisions, why would I expect someone else to follow me?

It’s a conundrum, on one level.  How do I inspire and instill confidence, while expecting my slaves to keep me honest, so to speak?

I do it, I think, by having a proven history of good decisions, and a history of caring for and about them.  I wouldn’t ask them to do something dangerous because I value them, and I am charged with caring for them.  That matters to me.

Interestingly, this wasn’t the blog I intended to write.  I want to write a bit about S&M and spirituality, and I got sidetracked.

I guess I already have a topic for tomorrow, don’t I?

6 comments to BDSM and Spirituality

  • aisha  says:

    And i’m often amazed at how often that happens ~ i start out to write one blog, and end up somewhere else. i think it’s one of the joys of blogging. This was an interesting post.

    Thanks for the kind words too! 🙂

    aisha

  • MsConstanceExplains  says:

    I know, and I’m trying to force myself not to go back and redo, it is what it is. We’ll see.

  • vanillamom  says:

    I’m glad you didn’t rewrite. This is fascinating stuff!

    It is true we are all formed by what happens to us as children…no way to go back and get a “do over”…Am I submissive because my mom was, in the ways of that time period, submissive to my Dad? Am I submissive because I grew up in a military household? I have a terrible temper, one I’ve worked *decades* to subdue..(I am descended from Vikings, after all!) That doesn’t change the fact that I’m inherently submissive.

    Thank you, too, for drawing that point out, that you expect your subs to have a brain. It’s a debate I’ve gotten into several times…”You’re not *really* a submissive if He tells you to jump over a cliff, kill your child, sever a limb…and you don’t do it.” I’m not a submissive with limits…but one with a brain. Submissive does not equate with stupidness, in my book! I do have a safeword, but only because my Master insisted on it after He collared me. I think we both know I will never use it. (again, because I trust Him to not sever a limb, kill my children, etc! At that point, I don’t think hollering “stilletto” would stop Him, do you?)

    Another thoughtful post, Ma’am.

    nilla

    • MsConstanceExplains  says:

      I do know dominants, even good ones, who don’t like intellectual challenge from a submissive or slave.

      Let me say that I don’t mean being a brat; I have no patience with or interest in that.

      I had someone recently tell me that their submissive, when they said, “Go get dressed,” or “Give me the keys,” responded with, “Why?” Um, no. I don’t do that. If I say, do this, I expect that you will, and if you do not consistently, or expect me to explain myself regularly, well, so long, it’s been good to know you.

      However, I *love* smart people. I find nothing so interesting or compelling. Why would I want them to suspend that because they consider themselves mine?

      I am utterly comfortable in my role, and quite sure of it. You challenging me in appropriate ways is fine.

      By appropriate I mean, if you think I’m missing a side to an issue we’re discussing, if you think there’s a better way to do something, if you have knowledge I do not, then I want to know.

      I also expect that you will tell me in a respectful tone, in an appropriate place, and in a way that I can hear without it setting my teeth on edge.

      “Why?,” when I say, “Get dressed,” is none of those things. Saying, “You know, I read an article about that, and here’s something they said that I hadn’t thought of before, or didn’t know,” or “I think if we put the tomatoes in this area they’ll do better,” or “The best way to build a bathouse is this one,” those are all fine.

      And if you do think I’m wrong on a fundamental level, then tell me. Respectfully, in private, and tell me why. I may not like it, but I will listen.

      I’d actually rather be told things I don’t want to hear by someone I know cares for me than wait until it’s so bad complete strangers are calling me an asshat.

    • MsConstanceExplains  says:

      I have had a lot of conversations lately about that kind of thing, actually. I say often that I am a hard ass, and I am, and that my slaves have two options. They can either do as I ask, or ask for release, and that’s true, but of course, that’s not the whole story. You build up relationships and trust and put stock in an account that you get to pull out for the small infractions and the times when you’re not at your best. Hopefully a good Master takes that into account, just as a good slave does, too.

      Don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret, but Masters fuck up once in a while too.

      Shhhh!!!

      • vanillamom  says:

        🙂

        (I’ll never tell!)

        You speak eloquently and clearly…and it is the latter that makes for a good relationship…when the lines of communications falter…that’s where things can get bad. I’ve lived that scenario with my Master, and it very nearly ended us.

        But we talked. And talked. And He has the same “no bullshit” attitude you do…and 18 months later? We’re stronger than we’ve ever been.

        I’ve been told before that I’m a “Miss Perfect Pants” …and I’ll say that being disparaged (by other subs) for being who I am is hurtful. If the Dom/Master/Domme I serve is telling me to do somethign…. ….I damn well do it.

        Is that not the point of being a submissive? I don’t struggle with it. I don’t push back. I don’t fight it. I *like* being a submissive. I am not a power-woman (tho I am very Dommish with my kids! But I just call that parenting!), I am not a professional, just a mommy who works part time. My identity is not formed around the imagery of being the one in charge. Maybe that’s why it’s easier? I don’t know. But I do know that it’s not a role I play at, and chide other’s who may struggle more.

        I just don’t fully understand the struggle, that’s all. Because being submissive makes me…feel. It fills me, it rocks my world.

        I’m happier saying ‘Yes, Sir” than saying “why should I” …and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

        nilla

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