Questions for Dominants 02

September 27, 2012 Uncategorized  2 comments

2.      What is the single quality that is the most detrimental for a dominant?

Yesterday, I talked about the best qualities for a dominant, and mentioned patience, integrity and a sense of humor.

Obviously, a case can be made for the opposites of those qualities being the ones that are the most detrimental.

But that’s kind of a cop out, isn’t it?

I think being untrustworthy is probably at least one of the worst qualities in a dominant, but I don’t think that’s really just one quality, either.  You can be untrustworthy in a lot of ways and for a lot of reasons.

If you lie, for instance, then you’re untrustworthy.  If you have no self-control, for instance, then you’re untrustworthy.  If you aren’t at least somewhat skilled technically, for instance, then you’re untrustworthy.

But while all those things make you untrustworthy, they are not all the same thing.  A lot of people who are not trustworthy may share a lot of the same qualities, but it’s a broad umbrella under which to try and fit too many dominants, too.

How many dominants can dance on the head of a pin, more or less.

I think taking yourself too seriously is a pretty serious flaw, and I see it more often than I like, often with new dominants.

Now, when I say new, honestly, I mean anybody who has been actively and consciously doing this at a fairly focused level for at least five years or so.

The people who tell you they are 30, but have been a Master for 15 years are, to be blunt, either lying or don’t have very high standards assigned to the title of Master.

I tied my first girlfriend to the bed at 21, but I was not a Master then, not even her Master.  We were kinky dykes, sometimes, in the bedroom, but she had so much trouble accepting that part of herself and I didn’t really know how much of that was there on my part that it wasn’t any more.

I will tell you I first started exploring kink nearly 35 years ago, but that does not mean I have been a Master for 35 years, or even close.

So, now that I have had my moment of digression, I’ll come back to this.

I think if you’ve lived in an acknowledged kind of power exchange way, if you are conscious about what you do and why you’re doing it, you have experience both with the relationship and the techniques, for less than five years, you’re still pretty new to this.

Being new isn’t bad, either, we all were once.

But I see so many who take themselves SO seriously.  They’re “training” their slaves, although their slaves exhibit no real change.  They’ve formed a Leather Household, without knowing, really, the slightest thing about Leather or Households.  They collect submissives like I might collect Scottie figurines, because they’re unusual, or cute, or I don’t already have one like that…

There are so many times I feel like saying, “Seriously?  Really?  Get over yourself.”

I fear, however, this would not be well-received.

I think one of the results of dominants who take themselves too seriously is submissives who do the same.

It’s easy for us to romanticize the life of a submissive, in the same way that we romanticize the life of the simple peasant tilling his fields.  It seems a simple life, a good life, filled with fresh air, little stress, and the good work of our own two hands.

It is, in reality, back breaking work, the farmer is trying to raise enough so he and his family don’t go hungry, and that’s REAL stress, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have healthcare.

Being submissive is, I suspect, in some ways like that, especially once you’ve passed the honeymoon phase where the hot and kinky sex is no longer either quite as hot or quite as frequent, if only because there is less novelty to it all.

We romanticize the demonstration of slave positions, the meeting Master at the door, naked and collared, the serving or drinks and food, offered prettily and with a fetching smile.

In reality, it’s just life, the work of cleaning and clothing and feeding and getting up earlier to make the tea and dealing with the annoying qualities we Dom(mes) can possess – well, YOU Dom(mes), since I am, as we know, truly perfect – and dealing with them will little recourse.

You can bitch at your husband for not filling the ice tray when he empties it, or nag at your wife for spending too much money, but you can’t really do that with your Master or Mistress.

You kind of have to suck it up, and I think if I take myself so seriously then you’re going to do the same, and I think if you can’t look at the absurdity of our lifestyles, and life in general, it’s going to be a pretty joyless existence, for both sides.

I have always thought that one of the worst qualities in a leader is the inability to allow someone else to believe they got the last word, but I don’t think that’s such a significant flaw in a dominant because, well, because we DO usually get the last word, that’s our role.

But then, a good leader is really a servant to the community, and it’s unseemly for servants to have the last word, too.

On the other hand, I do think that believing yourself to be infallible is a pretty awful quality to have as a dominant.

It’s one of those razor edges we walk as dominants sometimes, I think.  We have to believe we are right, that we know best, that we SHOULD be in control.  If we don’t, if we question ourselves too much, we can’t be very good dominants.

On the other hand, being unable or unwilling to admit that you are wrong, or at least consider the possibility that you might be, that is a very serious flaw.

2 comments to Questions for Dominants 02

  • Jz  says:

    oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Sometimes it seems like excessive seriousness is some sort of endemic plague around here. Self-important dominants and painfully earnest submissives seem to abound. We are still human, life is still absurd.
    Like you, I do not see the attraction of a joyless existence.

    Nor have I ever understood why discussion and exchange is so threatening to some dominants.
    Personally, I have a LOT more respect for someone who is confident enough to allow me a differing opinion, even while over-ruling it.

    I’m not, after all, asking to win, just to be heard.

    • MsConstanceExplains  says:

      I think that’s a great line – I’m not, after all, asking to win, just to be heard.

      Isn’t that what everyone wants in the end, to be heard and understood?

      Somebody said once, “Listening is so close to loving that most people can’t tell the difference.”

      I think that’s true.

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