October 2, 2012 Uncategorized  10 comments

There’s been a lot of comments and blog posts about what I would interpret as a very sanctimonious and unkind, not to mention uncalled for, comment on another blog.

I think the blog where the comment was made has really had enough comments there and I didn’t want to add to the furor.

I don’t, however, have a bit of problem quoting the anonymous post that was made.  Normally, I would request permission, but since they chose not to identify themselves, well, gee.

It said, in total:

“Anonymous said…

With all due respect, did you really expect a relationship from two people who are cheating on their spouses to last? I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but affairs never work out in the end.”

Later, when the comment was not greeted with equally sanctimonious glee, this was the response:

“Anonymous said…

When I wrote that comment I didn’t deliberately set out to be hurtful or mean-spirited towards you. Feeling like you’re losing in love SUCKS! And obviously, you’ve been struggling with this particular onset of emotions for quite some time.

But coming from a home environment where I got a firsthand look into the pain, misery and despair that an affair can bring when one spouse strays, it’s difficult for me to understand why someone would choose to put themselves in that position – accidental or not. And taking you completely out of the equation for a moment, I’m a little fed up with seeing how many people in the BDSM community completely support marital affairs in a selfish and self-serving attempt to search for a Dom or sub on the side.

Having said all that, I AM sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry you feel like the relationship with the man you’ve come to love, cherish and respect is crumbling around you. I hope in the midst of the emotional pain and confusion you can find that bit of peace and happiness that you need. And I mean that sincerely.”

One of the things that I honestly despise is the belief that you can say anything you like, be as shitty and sanctimonious as possible, and you somehow get a pass if you say, Oh, gee, I didn’t MEAN to say something hurtful and callous and painful, and besides, I was just being HONEST.

I really really really despise that.

I loathe it.

What I think makes it even more loathsome in this case is that the poster is too chicken shit to actually sign their name and stand behind their nasty little comments.

I hate that, too.

I hate sanctimony.  Until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s moccasins, the idea of passing judgement on someone else’s choices, that knee jerk snide remark, the barely hidden glee in being able to say, see, see, I told you so, you brought this on yourself because if you had behaved in the way that *I* approve of, because clearly, *I* am perfect, then it would never have happened, and I’m not being mean, I’m just, you know, telling the truth.

Is it coming through how much I despise it?

If it’s not, it really should be.

I have only been married once, for the last five years, because a lot of sanctimonious folk in the world thought my first serious relationship was considered too sinful to be allowed the sacrament of marriage, because we were both women.

In my life I have had affairs with five married people.

Wait, do I still have to count them if their wives were in the bed, too?  Or count them both?

Make that six.  Or seven.

Some of their spouses knew, some of them didn’t.

I have been cheated on once.  My girlfriend had an affair when we were living in upstate New York, and it was terribly painful, although once I found a note from the woman and realized she could neither spell nor punctuate, I knew it had a limited run.

I’ve also had two affairs when I was in serious relationships that were not poly.

So, I believe I have a fair amount of experience on every side of the issue.  I don’t think most people launch into real affairs of the heart in those situations without some real pressure on them from something or somewhere.

Sometimes needs aren’t being met.  In at least one of those cases, the gentleman had genuinely and sincerely tried everything he knew and none of it worked.  He eventually divorced, in fact, in which I had no part whatsoever, and married again very lately.

I’m not saying it’s a fine thing, I’m not saying it’s even a good thing.  I’m not endorsing it or condemning it, actually, mostly because it’s none of my damn business how you conduct your relationships.  I agree that affairs and their aftermath often destroy homes and lives, and that’s tragic.

So does alcoholism, and narcotic addiction and I hope that, if someone came to us and said, my relationship is falling apart, you wouldn’t say, “Meaning no disrespect, but I what did you expect, marrying a drunk?”

I could also say that while relationships between people who have had affairs do not always last, I could also say that relationships between those who have no history of infidelity also don’t lost, and be equally correct because, alas, no relationship lasts, really, because we all die in the end.

I had an affair with Beth while living with Fay and then moved in with Beth.  It only lasted 17 years because, well, gee, what do you expect?  A couple of Lezzies AND an affair?  How dare we?

I have a family member who had an affair with a woman – several, likely – and divorced and remarried in about 1970.  He was married to her when he passed away in 2010.

But hey, it was only 40 years.  It didn’t LAST, not like it would have if they’d NOT had that affair.

If you don’t like affairs, don’t have them, and don’t marry people who have them.  If you believe you would never have an affair, then you must believe it’s possible.  In that case, you should be able to make sure you find others who agree, and, not unlike gay sex and gay marriage, it won’t affect you because you won’t be having it.

I think the callous superiority in speaking so sophomorically about someone else’s pain is what I find so annoying.

I also find it annoying to post hurtful things with the preface of, “With all due respect,” and do so anonymously.

If you’re not willing to sign your name, then perhaps you shouldn’t say it.

10 comments to Sanctimony

  • vanillamom  says:

    nodding and clapping…well said. And I get the feeling for most of us ‘in community’…that it’s a live and let live kind of thing. How could i presume to comment on YOUR relationship since I don’t really know you…and since I have my own struggles with mine?

    Bravo for posting this so eloquently…and that line about the note you found? Made me giggle. I was just so “you”…the woman I’ve come to know better.

    And at least when I made/make an asshat comment….i sign my name.

    if i’m stoopid, I’m gonna own up to it. Same if I have an opinion.

    well said, Ms. Constance.


    • MsConstanceExplains  says:

      I really have a problem with someone being so unkind.

      I really have a problem with someone being willing to be unkind, and sanctimonious and being unwilling to sign their name.

      I really have a problem with people feeling that they can say anything to anyone, so long as it’s prefaced with some form of, Meaning no disrespect, and ended with, Sorry, just being honest.

      I really have a problem with confusing honesty and aggressive unkindness.

      Honesty is saying, “I know this is terribly hard, and I know it’s horrible for you, but perhaps in the end this will be for the best, even though I know it’s hard to imagine that now.”

      Unkindness is saying, “Well, what did you expect when you did XXX?”

      I dunno, I hear a difference there. Perhaps the anonymous poster doesn’t.

  • striving for peace  says:

    here here.

    It’s been an interesting few days in blogville.


  • thedreamingsub  says:

    Reblogged this on thedreamingsub.

  • rhonda  says:

    yeah, i get it. anonymous comments dont lend to fruitful discussion, because the commenter appears to be in hiding. I agree…if you have something to say, then just say it, dammit. dont hide. I dont really agree with the notion of “if you cant say anything nice, then dont say anything at all”, because if i lived by that notion, i wouldnt have healthy, productive progeny, first and foremost. They have to hear the good AND the bad, and sometimes that comes in the heat of a moment. I cant fault a person for speaking when they are feeling that heat. That is usually the moment when you are going to hear what is the real truth of their sentiment, so i am all for speaking, even if it hurts. I wonder…if we (ie, the community of submissive women, in this case), are trying to respond while staying in role? Its not ok to speak to our dominant partners with any chagrin or “i told you so”-ness, so we cant allow ourselves to exit that role long enough to be a REAL friend to the person who needs a wake up call? When did it become ok to be dishonest with those you’ve pledged to love and honor? Thats not just the spouse i’m referring to, but also the others who you share your home and your life with. Yeah, sure, you’ve done this (you specifically, Ms. Constance), have experience with it, but was it ok? Ive done it too. My takeaway from it all was that NO, it isnt ok. If life taught me anything, i learned this…honor yourself, honor your life, honor your loved ones. Be true. Be real. If that means fucking up your current existence, then that is what it means. How in the world is it ok to be a dishonest person? Politicians dont need to answer. Sigh. I’m not trying to upset others. I just know that i can see what the anonymous person was trying to get to. not judgementalism so much, but more a recognition of reality. You get what you give. I dont know why that is an unfriendly piece of advice. I’d hit someone if they coddled me when i was down and i knew it was of my own doing. I’d rather the hard road. tough love, maybe??

  • aisha  says:

    Yay for Ms. Constance!! i love this post!!

    And like ‘Nilla, i laughed when i read the part about the note – too funny, and too true i’m sure.

    In response to rhonda though ~ an anonymous poster doesn’t need to show me “tough love,” thank you very much. ‘Cause, um, there’s no love there. No relationship.

    As my friends in blog land and in real life can attest, i believe in being honest and open in my feedback. For sure, children and spouses need to hear what we really think, as do friends. Honest, open, and gentle, as much as possible.

    As for being open in our lives ~ um, i’m not really named aisha and none of my vanilla friends know i like to be spanked, call my partner Sir, and sit at his feet. i’m ok with that. As for the rest of it, only the person involved can decide what was ultimately right or wrong for them.

    Sorry, Ms. Constance, now i’m hijacking your page… going home to think and write on my own darn blog.

    But i loved, loved, loved this post!


  • little monkey  says:

    Brava!!!!!! the monkey stands,in the isle, clapping.

  • MsConstanceExplains  says:

    I think kindness should be one’s guide more often than it is.

    If, for instance, you confided to me that you’d just been diagnosed with lung cancer, now is not the time to point out that after all those years of smoking, what did you expect?

    I really do hate that excuse of “honesty” to explain why it’s ok to run roughshod over someone’s feelings.

    And really, if you have to say, not meaning to be disrespectful/unkind/blunt/mean is almost always the preface to being disrespectful/unkind/blunt/mean.

  • theferkel  says:

    Interesting point you’re putting. I’ve never cheated on my chosen partner, even though I was the “culprit” responsible for getting between him and his partner.
    He felt neglected, unloved, ignored and mistreated, he looked somewhere else. It happens all the time.
    What matters is how it gets handled and whether the other party is a complete psycho. lol

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