Attracting a Partner, Part 1
January 31, 2013 Relationships
I am doing a class next week on Attracting a Partner.
It used to be called, Attracting a Dominant, but then the more I did it the more I realized that the same things went into both sides of it, or many of the same anyway, and it seemed silly to do a class that applied to both but marketed to one.
At the Sunday munch last week, I ended up giving a sort of impromptu vision of what I think is important in finding a partner.
On one level, it’s funny, because I say the same thing in all my classes, on the other hand, it’s not funny at all, really.
The first step is always knowing yourself.
If you do not know what you want, if you are unable to define it and communicate it, the likelihood that you will find it goes WAY down.
I think one of the reasons that can be hard is that it requires a certain level of honesty with yourself, and sometimes that’s not the prettiest side of our personality, or, rather, it’s not the way we THINK we should look.
Back in the last decade, when I was more focused on finding people, one of the things that mattered was that they not have children, at least children under a certain age, whom they had much contact with.
I don’t mean I preferred deadbeat dads, by the way.
But I don’t particularly like children. My not having children was not an accident, or a sorrow.
If a man had children that were still preteens, for instance, I believed they should be his primary focus, meaning I couldn’t be.
I want your attention. Children interfere – and should. Ergo, no children.
I also like decorative playmates and partners. I am shallow. I’m also a big believer in physical attraction.
I am not perfect, nor do I expect others to be, but I do like good-looking playmates, and that weighs heavily in my decisions.
Those are not overly flattering recognitions about oneself, but if I think that an unattractive guy with three small kids will work for me, in the end, we’re both going to waste our time.
I think you have to be realistic about what you have to offer, too, in the sense of time and commitment. It might be fun to fantasize about being kept naked and chained 24/7, but if you have a mortgage and a job, then that’s probably not realistic, unless you find someone with an estate and a lot of disposable income.
It’s not impossible, but you might not have a very broad pool of candidates from which to draw.
Sometimes it can feel like we’re failing ourselves if we’re not as “committed” as we think we ought to be, or as other people are.
My kink life really IS my life. I do little that doesn’t have kink components. Most of my social interactions are kink-related. Most of my travel is kink-related. Most of my relationships are kink-related.
Personally, I was never looking for something that was just in the bedroom. If you’re unwilling to go to an event with me, or a munch, or a party, then, I’m probably not interested.
But that doesn’t mean everyone is so committed to this, or should be.
I don’t have blood family, or children. That doesn’t claim my time.
I was never overly career-driven. I gave what I had to give to get along. That didn’t claim my time.
Being realistic about what you have to give and want to get back is vital, I think, to actually GETTING it.
Remember – I have a new website on my OWN domain up and running. It’s the same right now, but in time this one will likely not be updated as often – better get your bookmarks updated!
And a LINK to the new site would be incredibly helpful, wouldn’t it? Thanks to the MonkeysJourney blog for the reminder.
You can find my new home here.