Attracting a Partner, Part 5
February 4, 2013 Relationships
I seem to be doing a whole series here, don’t I?
One of the comments that was made reminded me about another thing that I think is important about finding a new partner.
Sometimes it’s also about letting go of the old partner.
Sometimes that’s one of the harder parts, I think.
There are usually two varieties.
One is, the person who’s ex was SO incredible and SO perfect and SO amazing that it’s hard for anyone else to measure up.
The other is the person who’s ex was SO awful and SO horrible and SUCH a complete asshole that they can’t seem to see past that to anyone else.
The first one is hard, for sure.
When you have to follow a saint, it’s hard to live up to it.
Their former Master or Mistress was the love of their life, the be all and end all of all BDSM and kink, the perfect melding of demanding and nurturing.
Their former submissive knew them so well that they never had to ask for anything, everything was already in place, they were pliable and compliant and obedient and, in short, perfect.
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that they were not, indeed, perfect. The Master/Mistress was also probably grouchy and unreasonable on occasion, and the slave was not always so accommodating and well-versed.
We have to remind ourselves that no person was all good, or all bad.
Then there’s the other side.
I bet you’ve seen it, too.
The person who can hardly speak without spewing bile about their former relationship.
I have a friend who went through a relatively messy divorce a couple years ago.
It got to the point that I honestly avoided her because her primary and initial topic of conversation was always her asshole ex-husband and the asshole things he had said, or done, or was threatening to do, or not do.
It didn’t require an inquiry.
It wasn’t in response to, “How are you? How’s the divorce going?”
It was in response to “Hey, nice to see you.”
I think it never occurred to my friend how she came across. She was SO caught up in the miasma of her life – there were challenging children involved, too – that she couldn’t step back and see.
One of the other things that always occurs to me, when I encounter someone who has nothing but unkind things to say about an ex is, one of these days it’s going to be me.
It’s also true that I don’t think it says anything good about you and your judgement. If the person you last hitched your wagon to was so horrific… Um… Well, gee. That sort of means your judgement might not be all it could be, either.
Now, I know sometimes people change, but even so, most of the time the change is not that profound. Most of the time, the person you “married,” for lack of a better term, is pretty close to the same person you “divorced.”
It’s also true that while it’s possible that the reviled one was 100% at fault, it’s uncommon.
Almost every ended relationship I’ve ever seen was at least 70%/30%. If nothing else, you stayed with someone who was an asshole for longer than might point to your good judgement.
So, if someone has nothing but bad to say about a former love, well, that tells me something.
I don’t mean that you can’t talk about issues with your friends, or that you always have to put on a brave front, but in general, a brave front will go a long way to creating a brave back, too.
Fake it until you make it.
Learn to say, “You know, I think we were both at fault, but I learned a lot, so that’s a good thing.”
Save the in-depth bitching for your friends, the people who talk about their past escapades to you, too.
When you look around, too, don’t focus entirely on what you DON’T want.
I don’t want anyone who is not local, who has small children, or is much under 30 years old. I DO want someone who is smart, funny, mature, stable, and wants to be submissive.
Notice there’s a reasonable balance there. There are a few things I don’t want, and things I do want, and I think it’s a mistake to focus too much on one or the other.
I see profiles that tell me all the things they don’t want, which are often rather obvious.
They list that they want honest people, and fun people, and people who are drama-free.
Not me. I am looking for lying, boring and bat shit crazy people.
No, wait, no, I’m not.
It’s rarely wise to jump from one important relationship to another. Spend some time putting a period at the end of the sentence rather than just adding a semi-colon and moving on.
Once in a while, it’s true, the person that you meet a month after the worst breakup of your life IS the love of your life, the person with whom you are, you should pardon the expression, “tied” to for life.
But most of the time it’s not. Most of the time it’s just a rebound, and rebounds can be fun, just as one-night stands can be, so long as everyone is on the same page.
I think the best thing to do is to behave a bit like you’re just beginning to date and you have fairly strict parents.
Go out in groups.
Go to parties.
Avoid sleepover parties.
Date a lot of people casually.
Give yourself a break, give yourself time to heal and move on.
You can’t attract a new partner if you’re still focused on the old one.
And please remember to update your bookmarks for my new home on the web, which you can find here.