More Coming Out

February 23, 2017 Bluegrass Leather PrideDominanceKink and BDSM  One comment

Probably the hardest thing to do is show someone else your truest face, the real you, the one without the lipstick and makeup, prettied up for company.

One of the things I most value about kink relationships is that very thing.  Being able to how someone the parts of your personality that are not always thought of as positives, and having them accept it.


The reasons to come out are as varied as the things revealed.  I know that for me, when I come out to someone, one of the biggest reasons is that I’m not great at compartmentalization, either in my personality and my life.  I am what I am.

For instance, no one I told I was a dominatrix ever said, “Wow!  Seriously?  I’d never have guessed.”

Usually it’s more in the vein of “You know, this explains a LOT…”

I come out, too, because I feel a certain responsibility, in the sense that I recognize I’m a reasonably good spokesman for kink.  You can introduce me to your parents, for instance, and I’ll be on my best behavior.  I’m articulate, experienced, and I am in the somewhat enviable position of having the ability to be fairly out – I am not concerned about family, children, living situation, children or work in the sense that the knowledge of my kinkiness has little to no ability to harm me in any of those situations.

I can be out, so I should be, so the next one who comes out has a slightly easier path, just as mine was smoothed by the people before me who traveled it.

I have never had a truly bad experience when I came out.  I’ve had one friend determine she disapproved of it after she had known about it for a longish time, but I also suspect the line she drew in the sand as to my kinkiness is probably not nearly so solid as it was at the time, and in the end, it doesn’t really seem to have mattered.

The single most common reaction when I tell people is to laugh.

Well, come on, it is funny.  They can’t possibly KNOW a dominatrix, the only vocabulary they often have for what I am.  And I seem so… well…  normal-ish.

I know, they clearly don’t know me well.

Sometimes people ask me questions about it, how it works, what I do in a general sense, etc.  Sometimes they don’t seem to blink over it.  Sometimes it turns out they’re kinky, too, or have some other “secret.”

It’s interesting what they’ll share, once you’ve given them some kind of opening.  The things before are all reactions I’ve heard, occasionally edited for privacy.

“Oh, my parents don’t know, but I met my husband online when I was a Suicide Girl.”

“You know, my boyfriend likes some different things, too, nothing I would talk about…”

“That’s cool, I used to always have to be in charge until this girlfriend.  She bosses me around, I like it, I’m happier than I’ve ever been!”

“I used to live with a married couple, until the wife got really jealous of me and threw me out.”

So, my reactions have been positive.

But how do you approach it?  I’m going to think about that and I’ll let you know my thoughts soon.

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One comment to More Coming Out

  • jade  says:

    Welcome home. <3

    i think what also helps is that you are very approachable, you get the sense that you actually like the people who bottom to you and/or serve you, and you don't get the impression that you take yourself SO seriously. The latter point is a huge problem for many Alpha types, and it doesn't do a whole lot to normalize who we are or what we do.

    i view being a slave in the same vein as being a lesbian. It's who i am, so i figure the best thing i can do is just be me. If i want people to identify with me in a positive way, i can't afford to be fearful or hiding. Most of the time, that just makes people's spidey sense go off that something is wrong here, something strange is going on. i do feel a certain obligation to present SR in the best light possible, and to not ever be the couple that strangers can project negative stuff on as 'reasons' to take back our rights. People are a lot less generous overall when they like you. And much to my surprise, nearly always, people like me. heh. Sir Raven has a ton of charisma working for her.

    Like your experiences, no one is surprised-at all-about us. Not at work, her spiritual family, or in general. Its just who we are.

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