Category Relationships

Sit by an Apple Tree

September 4, 2016 Kink and BDSMMemoriesRelationships  No comments

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

I found that quote lately, and I’ve gone back and read it multiple times.

I love the image of so many apples, falling all around you, wasting their sweetness, and really, isn’t that what much of the world seems to d...

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Conflict

August 20, 2016 RelationshipsVanilla Life  4 comments

I’ve had a certain amount of conflict in my life of late – nothing personal, at least no more than usual when you’re rather greedy in your personal relationships.  It’s been in some of those relationships with people you don’t choose, but end up thrown together with.

Sometimes you like each other, sometimes you don’t, but most of the time we tend to behave, it rarely goes beyond not taking lunch together, or not striking up a conversation about the show you watched last night.  Once in a while though, you get someone who doesn’t play by the normal rules.

Years ago, I worked with a man who was both almost comical in some of his eccentricities, but genuinely frightening in others...

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What it Means to Me…

August 17, 2016 DominanceKink CommunityRelationshipsSubmissives  One comment

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Take care, TCB…

So, I was thinking about respect.  We make that such a tenet of our construct here, and respect is one of our cornerstones.

Everybody wants respect.  Sometimes, anyway.

Respect is not a lengthy list of specific rules and regulations centering on how you expect to be treated.

It’s a reflection of the way you feel about other people as demonstrated by your behavior towards them.

By the same token, honor is not an empty term to be dusted off as convenient then returned to the shelf when it comes to one’s own behavior.

I cannot control the actions of the general public, nor do I plan to try.

I cannot walk around with a rule book that I pass out before someone speaks to me so they are certain to afford me the respect ...

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Attracting a Partner, Part 5

February 4, 2013 Relationships  No comments

I seem to be doing a whole series here, don’t I?

One of the comments that was made reminded me about another thing that I think is important about finding a new partner.

Sometimes it’s also about letting go of the old partner.

Sometimes that’s one of the harder parts, I think.

There are usually two varieties.

One is, the person who’s ex was SO incredible and SO perfect and SO amazing that it’s hard for anyone else to measure up.

The other is the person who’s ex was SO awful and SO horrible and SUCH a complete asshole that they can’t seem to see past that to anyone else.

The first one is hard, for sure.

When you have to follow a saint, it’s hard to live up to it.

Their former Master or Mistress was the love of their life, the be all and end all of all BDSM and kink, the perf...

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Attracting a Partner, Part 4

February 3, 2013 Relationships  No comments

So, I’ve talked about knowing what you want, what you are looking for, what you will compromise on, all that.

I think it’s important to recognize that, however much you might dislike the thought, you may never find the relationship for which you are looking.

It’s possible.

Not a happy thought, maybe, but possible.

I think first you need to make a life that you can live, even if you never have anyone else to share it in the way you’d like.

I see people who put their life on hold until…

Well, until.

Until the fabled day when your life becomes perfect, when that life includes the perfect Master and perfect slave, or dominant or submissive, or whatever it is that you put there when you fill in the blanks.

Once you have that, well, then, your life will be perfect and everything will f...

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Attracting a Partner, Part 3

February 2, 2013 Relationships  4 comments

I’ve been talking about finding a partner, and I’ve spoken mostly about being realistic about what it is you want, and what you have to offer, and about monogamy and non-monogamy.

I want to say, too, that I believe that whatever you want, there’s someone out there who is interested in the same thing.

You don’t have to settle, but you may well have to accept that your pool is smaller than you’d like.

I could have five new submissives by the end of the evening, using only Fetlife and text messages, but how worthwhile would those submissives be?

Many of you submissives who bemoan finding a dominant are not really saying there are NO dominants, they are saying that the dominants out there are not worth your time or effort, and I would agree.

No one ever said it was easy.

Vanilla relationship...

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Attracting a Partner, Part 1

January 31, 2013 Relationships  6 comments

I am doing a class next week on Attracting a Partner.

It used to be called, Attracting a Dominant, but then the more I did it the more I realized that the same things went into both sides of it, or many of the same anyway, and it seemed silly to do a class that applied to both but marketed to one.

At the Sunday munch last week, I ended up giving a sort of impromptu vision of what I think is important in finding a partner.

On one level, it’s funny, because I say the same thing in all my classes, on the other hand, it’s not funny at all, really.

The first step is always knowing yourself.

If you do not know what you want, if you are unable to define it and communicate it, the likelihood that you will find it goes WAY down.

I think one of the reasons that can be hard is that it requires a...

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Perfection

January 19, 2013 DominanceRelationshipsSubmissives  5 comments

jade, over at The Chrysanthemum and The Sword, wrote an interesting post – well, I find that many of the posts she writes are particularly interesting.

Anyway, she talked about “The Perfect Slave,” and “The Perfect Master.”

Perfection has honestly never been that appealing to me.

I think, for one thing, that I would find perfection in a slave somewhat intimidating.

If, for instance, you’re a perfect slave but I find a flaw – I don’t like the way you fold my towels or the food you cook – then doesn’t that rather imply the flaw is with me?

If you’re perfect, then I have to be perfect, too.

And I am not perfect, nor do I aspire to be.

I aspire to be many things, a kind person, a good leader, a wise dominant, but I do not aspire to be perfect.

Perfection is so confining...

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Passages

January 15, 2013 MemoriesRelationshipsVanilla Life  13 comments

It has been a strange few days in several ways.

I had gotten a letter earlier this week from the daughter of a woman I grew up with.  She was a friend of my mother’s, though, over time, she became more a friend of mine.

I had visited her when we were on our honeymoon and went back to my hometown.  She was Portuguese in heritage, and an artist.  She and her husband owned a little junk shop in the town I grew up in, a place that we visited regularly.

She sold comics and books and I remember taking old ones in and trading them for different used books and comics.

It was in her store that I clearly remember seeing a rhinestone brooch and telling my mother how pretty it would be on a black dress.

I was all of nine or ten and I remember my mother saying, “But you don’t HAVE a black dress.”

I ...

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Nothing is Wasted

January 7, 2013 RelationshipsSpiritualityVanilla Life  5 comments

I spent some time today going through an old hard drive.

I found several things I’d been looking for, including, hallelujah, that story about the cat named Stiletto.

It needs a bit of reworking, the place it ended up was a bit different than the place it began and I want to work on it a bit, but I am much happier to have found it.

I found some other things, too, some bits and pieces of writing, some things that I was glad to find, some I’d forgotten, some I’d remembered but given up on.

One of the things I found was something I’d written about advice, and one part of it in particular struck me.

Someone a long time ago gave me a lot of good advice, but one of the ones I had mostly forgotten was, “Nothing is wasted.”

Everything prepares us for the next thing.

Our lives are linear; we can...

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