Category Relationships

Guilt and Fear

June 17, 2012 Kink and BDSMKink CommunityRelationshipsSubmissives  2 comments

That was the topic of our SIG group meeting today.  It’s funny, I think the discussion groups are absolutely not for everyone, but I think that for the people who find them valuable, they find them very valuable.

We talked about how guilt and fear affected us and our relationships.  Random observations follow, based on our conversation.  Your mileage, as always, may vary.

Submissives and slaves feel guilt more often, when dominants do feel guilty it’s often a more intense guilt, because we feel guilty for both parties.

Most male dominants had a lot of guilt based around their kink because they were all told that they shouldn’t hit a girl...

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A Glad Heart

June 16, 2012 Relationshipsslave drewslave thomasSubmissives  2 comments

For the first time since I started blogging – not that long, of course, but still – I didn’t blog yesterday at all.

I do have a fairly good reason.

My Internet provider had an “area outage.”  My Internet went down about 3:15pm on Friday and, because I was online, I noticed immediately and called.  They tried a couple of resets, they didn’t work, they decided it must be my equipment.  They would have to send someone out to “recalibrate” it.

And the soonest they could get to me was Sunday at 2pm.

Crap.  Crap.  Crappity crap.

It’s amazing how disturbing that was.  Forty-eight hours without Internet access?  Would I survive.

Then, about two hours later, I thought to check my cable only to discover it was out, too...

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June 14, 2012 Kink and BDSMRelationships  No comments

I am using a get-out-of-blog-free card today and posting something I wrote a while back.

And, if you’re interested, the four state capitals in yesterday’s test are:

Carson City, Nevada

Jefferson City, Missouri

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Salt Lake City, Utah

One of the words we hear a lot these days is “mentor.”  People talk about the need for mentors in our community.

Novices are looking for mentors.

More experienced people call themselves mentors.

There seems to be a general consensus that everyone needs them and everyone who can be one should be a mentor.

Personally, I never really had any mentors in the Leather community.  There were people I looked up to, certainly, but I met them all well after I was on my way to being whatever I am now...

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BDSM and Spirituality, Part Two

June 12, 2012 Kink and BDSMRelationshipsSpirituality  No comments

Yesterday, I referenced a blog by one of my favorite people, aisha.  She talked about spirituality, and you can read her work here.  I talked about it and ended up not at all where I meant to be, so this is really a continuation of that.  Let’s see if I can stay on track today.

One of the common themes in a lot of cultures is the idea of using a physical ordeal to bring one closer to a higher being.  Walkabouts and vision quests and ghost dances and sweat lodges and all those other rituals and rites of passage that bring one closer to God, however you choose to perceive that, whatever name (or gender, or singularity) that you, or they, recognize.

Bear with me, I’m going to use that term, you just substitute whatever makes you feel more comfortable when you come across it.

So, we go thr...

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BDSM and Spirituality

June 11, 2012 Kink and BDSMRelationshipsslave drewslave thomas  6 comments

I told someone lately that for me, kink was at least as much about spirituality as it is about sexuality.

For me, one of the things that kink allows me to do is, in a way, test myself.  We tell ourselves that the way you judge character is by how someone behaves when no one is watching, by how they behave when they can do whatever they want.

For me, a Master and slave type of relationship allows me that opportunity.

I have slaves.  Neither of them have safewords, never have.  Neither one has ever refused to do something I asked, either.

Both of them trust me implicitly.  I could ask them to do anything, I imagine, and they would at least consider it, because they do trust me...

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I Am Kinky

June 8, 2012 Kink and BDSMRelationshipsslave drewSubmissives  No comments

I am kinky.

What that means to me is that I have significant interests that are outside those of the average person, particularly in terms of how I view and conduct personal and sexual relationships. Being kinky doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, just as being rich doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.

To one person, being rich means having a car that runs; to another, it might mean having a yacht. Lots of people are kinky to varying degrees, and in different ways. It’s unlikely that any two people who both claim to be kinky are kinky in exactly the same way, to exactly the same extent.

I am probably kinkier than many of you who will read this but it’s unlikely I’m kinkier than all of you.

The primary way in which I am kinky is in the kinds of relationships that interest...

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My Kink’s Better than YOUR Kink

June 8, 2012 Kink and BDSMKink CommunityRelationships  No comments

(Another reprint of something I wrote and posted elsewhere.)

We’ve all done it. We’ve all dismissed someone else in the community because they’re not a real” Master, or a “true” slave. The implication, of course, is that we ourselves are that rarest of breeds, the real, true example of the thing we are.

Sometimes I think we have a point. I remember hearing a woman tell me, years ago, “I’m a slave, but I’m not cleaning ANYONE’S house.”

I had another man say of his wife that she was a complete slave, but, of course, she had equal say everywhere except in the bedroom.

I myself had a “slave” once who told me, in a not very pleasant tone, that he would NEVER give up his life’s work of videotaping every single episode of Star Trek and Dr. Who, not for anyone...

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How to Impress Me Redux

June 3, 2012 Kink and BDSMLeatherRelationshipsSubmissives  No comments

I kept a blog on another site for a while, about three years ago.  Had we done as I wanted, when I wanted, I imagine we’d be the Fetlife site now, but I couldn’t do the coding part and The one who did saw no urgency, so by the time it was up and running, so was Fetlife.

A few friends posted articles and blogs there, but in the end, there just wasn’t enough traffic to sustain it, and it died on the vine.  Six months or more of my life was basically wasted on it, not to mention a certain amount of money.  Software of that sort isn’t cheap, fyi.

Anyway, I am going to occasionally repost something I wrote then, because it’s one way of ensuring I actually put up a new blog on a daily basis, and I want to do that.  So, here’s the first...

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The Buttered Biscuit Theory

June 1, 2012 Kink and BDSMKink CommunityRelationships  No comments

I promised a day or two ago to explain my Buttered Biscuit Theory of Life.

I often tell this story when I teach classes, particularly a class on Attracting a Partner.  I see so many people who will tell you they WANT something.  A partner, a job, an education, a house, a better life, whatever it is.

The way they pursue it, though, is less than effective, bringing me to the BBToL.

My first Scottie was Beamer.

Beamer is in the red collar, Lulu in the purple.

Beamer was a complicated dog.  She wasn’t mean, she didn’t bite, she wasn’t destructive, she was actually pretty smart.  We got her when she was eight weeks old, little strips of newspaper clinging to her little feet from the crate she’d been in for the drive.

She didn’t much like strangers.  Again, she didn’t bite, she just barked...

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May 26, 2012 Kink and BDSMKink CommunityRelationshipsslave drewslave thomas  No comments

Don’t we all love beginnings?  Remember when you were a kid, those first days of school, when you had the brand new notebook with tons of empty pages, fresh and clean and pristine, and sharpened pencils, points so dangerous you couldn’t press too hard or you’d tear the paper?

Maybe you had a packet of pens, clear barrels with the black ink clearly visible, like a dip stick inside, ready to spell out words and formulas?  Or a fresh box of crayons, all the same length and very uniform, before you had broken points and sharpened them, being forced to peel the paper away from the tips of your favorites, the red and black and blue.

There’s something freeing about beginnings, about the blank piece of paper in front of you, all the unwritten words swirling around in your head, waiting for you t...

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